I go back and forth on the subject of maintaining a blg since I have nothing much to say...

I know two people in the world named Lauren, and they were both touring Tintern Abbey on the same day recently, and both blogged about it. What would have been really funny is if the photos of one had accidentally captured the other, but that would have been TOO weird.

Am going into brain overload at my job. Am looking forward to nice long weekend when I might finally get to write something again.

Tonight on the food channel they had the world BBQ Championship final, and in the last round the cooks had to BBQ a Moray Eel. These things jumped out of the tank and started *chasing* the chefs round the arena. I laughed so hard I fell off the couch and scared the dog.

I met a guy in the kitchen at my new job today, and he was leaning against the fridge with his eyes closed, having just had an exhausting meeting with his team. He looked at me and went " don't worry about me, I've just realised I've been here for 7.5 years." I gave him a sympathetic smile and said "I know what you mean, I've been here for 7.5 hours." He laughed. I believe we're going to be friends.

First day was great, except for the part when the guy who I'm replacing took me aside to meet about "personnel" issues, which turned out to be that one of my writers is fast but untalented, and the other is slow but talented. Greeeeat, I said.

At lumchtime I had so many choices I couldn't figure out what to eat, and almost wept. I ended up eating fish and chips, which I could very well have eaten in Pyrmont. But this time was different - this time I had a CHOICE.

It was 11:15 before anyone said the word "accounting" in my presence, and that was when I was introduced to the head of finance.

Good day.

After two straight days of essay writing all my thoughts seem to be going in logical lines like "this and that and as evidenced by and therefore" type patterns. Very alarming.

In other news, I have a strange pain in my jaw and throat that doesn't want to go away. I don't know if I need a doctor or a dentist.

Tomorrow I hand in my last mid-semester assignment (not sure if the essay is any good, but I guess we'll see), then I'll be starting my new job and trying to re-write my horror story I wrote last week. I was going to post it here, but it is a bit long. When I've done a rewrite I'll post it to my website and link to it.

I've been trying to revamp my fiction website, thinking about revamping my film review website, and desperately trying to make the decision about whether I will change my study pattern to do a thesis next year, or stick to the current coursework study pattern and try and finish my Masters in June. I just don't know.... but I do know that I shoud make the decision whether to do a thesis or not when I've just spent a weekend chained to my computer talking about the construction of masculinity in Gothic Fiction!

Yes indeed. I've been inspired by Kathy Griffin's hilarious reality show "My Life on the D List", which may just be the most refreshingly honest reality TV show of our time. And she has two dogs, Chance and Pom Pom, and you should see how big Pom Pom is. He'd swallow a pomeranian in two gulps. Wowser. And did you hear her acceptance speech at the Emmys? If I weren't already in love I'd throw myself at this woman's feet.

What did she say?

"A lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. This award is my god now!"

Hee!

Anyway, I digress.

I'm re-inventing this blog as a celebration of my struggle to create fiction. AND I'm going to spend the next twelve months actively pursuing some kind of pulication of anything I've written (ar am still to write). You heard it here folks - it's like a mid-year resolution without shaving my head or buying a convertible, though I'd kinda like to buy a convertible, if I had the money.

Oh yeah. To all those who've asked, my personal life is just dandy, thank you.

Just had an idea for a horror/scifi story. I'll post it when I'm done.

Second last day at work - woohoo!!

I need to come up with something new, fresh, original and preferably fantastic for my writing workshop in two weeks time. The twist to this workshop is that it will be attended by Andrew O'Hagen, who is one of the most respected contemporary novelists in Scotland. He's here for the Sydney Writer's Festival, and as part of the University's sponsorship of the festival, the keynote speaker becomes writer-in-residence for students for 2.5 weeks. I have to do a one-hour sit down with him to talk about my writing and where it is headed, what I'd like to do. It's all very intimidating. Could be worse, it could be someone I really know and admire. I mean, I've read some of Andrew's work and he's fantastic, it's just not my genre. If I were sitting across from Sarah Waters I'd be a wreck.

My writing has three major flaws - one that I'm too reliant upon dialogue, two that I don't pay enough attention to the surroundings enough, and three that my recent work has been very distant and unengaging. All of which I agree with.

There's one project I do want to finish, but I'm never sure where to take it.

But for now, I need an idea, and I've been walking around, watching and listening for a few days now, and nothing is coming to me.

Of course, writing from an emotionally happy place is never easy! But I can dig up misery easily enough if I just think about work.

I guess I'm just really hoping something will come to me in the course of the next few days. I only really have until next Friday to write it. I'm taking the day off on Monday to write, but that'll be no good if I'm just staring at a blank screen, will it?

... but my gf sent this to me the other day, and I like it.

It's only Love (Sheenagh Pugh)

It's just this judgment bypass; nothing drastic
(I'm told they do it without anaesthesia.)
It leaves your conscience cupple as elastic.
One of the side-effects is mild amnesia:
facts get reshaped; pain slips your mind. Some blindness is normal
Sufferers claim to see heaven
on earth; stars in dull eyes; wit in unkindness.
This commonly resists all treatment given.
It's not all bad, Granted, no flame-retardant
will work: but still, the toxins are a tonic.
The virus leaves you selfless, brave and ardent;
anyway, once you've got the thing, it's chronic,
Most people learn to live with the condition:
what kills them is the terror of remission.

I have to say, I really do like the excitement and the wonder of getting to know someone, and it has been a long time since I've felt this strongly about someone. But there's a part of me that's already exhausted, with wondering, with the strain of missing someone that some part of you just wants to spend every waking moment with... and yet I know that I would feel trapped if I did that. I know I need to give both her and myself some space... it's better to miss someone than to get tired of them!

But deep down there's a part of me that wishes it were two years from now, and we knew each other, and were over the anxiety-ridden days!! But that's just silly, because these are important days in a relationship, the giddiness of wondering, the hope that maybe, finally, this might be something real that you can hang on to.

Today at work I caught myself staring at the computer screen in a complete daze... no idea how much time was passing, I was just thinking, about the whole concept of falling for someone and the stupid tricks your mind tries to play on you.

I'm falling for someone again. It's an odd sensation - a good sensation! But odd at the same time.

I've been single for a long time, and it's been good for me, but I knew I wanted something more, something else... I have many wonderful, fabulous friends, but we're all reaching that stage in life when the duties of family and coupledom and things like that take precedence, and I (god help me) I kinda really missed having someone who is there for me, and who I can be there for. It's a huge responsibility, having someone else's emotional state in your hands... and the fact that I can be so analytical about it shows I've been single for way too long.

So here comes the sap. I love the way she smiles. She has this enormous smile that feels almost like you're being hugged with it. I love her taste in things, her sense of the ridiculous, her odd viewpoint on the world. I love the way she loves a good pun, will listen about things she doesn't really care about and give an informed opinion anyway. And I've been fascinated by her beautiful eyes since the day we met. For someone reason I always thought they were green. She says blue. They're greeny-blue I guess!

I'm liking this. This is fun.

I'm in that horrible yet exciting beginning of something new where you have no idea really how the other person feels, and start examining yours (and their) behaviour under a microscope in your brain until you twist yourself in knots... *sigh*

I wish I were a more patient person. Funny thing is, I've gone this long without wanting any kind of relationship whatsoever because I knew I wouldn't have time really to have somebody in my life. Now that I've met someon cool I realise that this whole time I probably could have made time, it was just that I think it is pointless trying to connect with someone unless you think it could possibly evolve into The Real Thing.

Anyway, this woman I met is cute, intelligent, has a lot in common with me but enough difference to make her interesting, and most importantly she's independent and doesn't need anyone in her life to complete her... only I'm always really attracted to the people who don't need anyone. Well, we talked for about 7 hours on our first date (and I actually used the word "date" and she didn't flinch, so there ends the "is it a date or not?" confusion) and I was reluctant to leave. I know there was this one moment where if I'd had more courage I could have leaned in and kissed her, but I didn't. I wish I had. Just once.

Anyway, she spent today out on the harbour with her friends, and I can't help wondering if she talked about me. She probably said what I am saying... maybe there's something there... who knows? Or maybe she said I'd make a good friend and nothing more? The curse. *sigh* Need more time to figure it out. Anyway, we're going out again tomorrow night, and then she's going to Melbourne for a week, so if I still feel tomorrow what I know I was feeling yesterday, I'm not backing off again if I get another opportunity to kiss her. I would find it pure torture to go a week or so without knowing if she's attracted to me or not.

Uggggh. Like I said, beginnings are exciting, but torture.

Funny thing is, she's the first person I've met in a long time where I've thought "I'd really like my friends to meet her". Anyone who knows how I feel about my friends, knows that's a big compliment to pay to someone I just met.

Trying to get back to posting, as many peeps have wondered what is happening to me, and my life. OK, so I have Narcoleptic Blogging Disorder now, that fear you get that if you write too much about yourself that you'll make yourself and everyone else spontaneously fall into a coma.

Anyway, this was a rather cool meme and I thought I'd do it... stolen from lelak's page. All questions must be answered by one word:

1. Where is your cell phone?
Pocket

2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend?
Hopeful

3. Your hair?
Red

4. Your mother?
Travelling

5. Your father?
Fishing

6. Your favorite thing?
Passion

7. Your dream last night?
Familiar

8. Your favorite drink?
Coke

9.Your dream car?
Jeep

10. The room you're in?
Study

11. Your ex?
Lingering

12. Your fears?
Deceased

13. Where do you want to be in 10 years?
Writing

14. Who did you hang out with yesterday?
Me

15. What you're not?
Frugal

16. Muffins?
Overrated

17. One of your wish list items?
Happiness

18. Where you grew up?
Around

19. The last thing you did?
Fed

20. What are you wearing?
Hoodie

21. Your TV?
Widescreen

22. Your pet?
Sleeping

23. Your computer?
Spunky

24. Your life?
Evolving

25. Your mood?
Relaxed

26. Missing?
Ice-cream

28. Your car?
Non-existent

29. Your work?
Frustrating

30. Your summer?
Nostalgic

31. Like someone?
Always

32. Your favorite color?
Blue

33. When is the last time you laughed?
Tonight

34. Last time you cried?
Movie

35. School?
Creative

Now that I've qualified for and enrolled in next year's creative writing masterclass, I'm feeling slightly disoriented by the audacity I'm showing in taking it on in the first place. I hardly ever write anymore, except for those dizzying, almost bile-inducing days of Nano where anything that comes out is good just because it fills up the word count. Substance isn't something I've aimed for in a while. In any facet of my life.

So that brings me to long-haul flights. Maybe while suspended at 35,000 feet I can convince my brain that there is more to life than getting the tax right in general journal transactions and flexible financial reporting. Maybe in amongst the cattle class of humanity, stuck in an absurdly small space - I can begin observing again, that practice so essential to a writer that without it all we are is inward-facing and pretentious. No wonder so much of my writing in the past few years has been so introspective. I haven't paid attention to the human behaviour of anyone else.

This trip is about people, about me, about re-sparking those parts of myself that I enjoy. Even I'm bored with who I've become. Funnily enough, the last time I had a realisation like this, the last time I dug myself into a hole and tried to escape it, I turned to exactly the same person for help as I have these past couple of weeks. I needed help in kick-starting my soul, my body, my feelings, my energy. She might drive me insane sometimes, but she has always inspired passion in me.

Denmark is also a huge deal for me because it was in this place that I'm about to travel back to that I discovered, for the first time in my life, who I really am. It's going to be hard to be there without Karen. I've never been in Denmark and not been with her. Another growing experience.

But most of all, I need to let go and experience life as me again without work, if only for just a little while. Then maybe I can come back here and continue being me without work sometimes. I'm finding it hard to remember what me without work feels like. The other night when I was lying in someone's arms for the first time in what feels like forever, I started to remember. Now I don't want to forget again.

Why does the word "no" sometimes disappear from my vocabulary?

I guess, to answer my own question, it disappears whenever I really want to say yes.

I had to do a presentation tonight for work, and I didn't actually realise how much it had been weighing on me until after it was over and I felt an enormous sense of relief! But it went well, so my professional life is improving :) The odd thing is now, suddenly, I can allow myself to get excited about my trip. It was like this was a hurdle between me and being able to relax, and now I can really see the way forward. I can't wait until public speaking engagements no longer fill me with fear - but this successful one should give me confidence.

So... one week exactly until I fly out. I really need this trip. I'm so glad I decided to do it. Money is going to be hellishly short, but if I manage not to spend too much in Denmark I should be fine.

Watch out Europe, here I come?

The pain in the neck part about having an "open and casual" thing with someone is having to sit back and smile and laugh when they happily tell you about someone else they slept with. I'm sure I'm not the first person on the planet to discover I don't have the stomach for it, and I don't even care that much (sexually speaking) about the person involved. Imagine if I actually really cared about the person, it'd probably drive me to distraction.

Of course, if I really cared about the person I would never have agreed to a casual fling.

So the best thing is to wish the girl well, send her on her way, refuse any future advances from her and search for something real, which I don't really have the time for which was the reason I got involved in something casual in the first place.

Oh yeah, we're back to that work-life balance question again.

Had my first official meeting today as Product Management Team Lead, and it went pretty well. Thanks to all my friends who have emailed me messages of support. Much love to all of you! Some have even attempted to pass on some pearls of wisdom regarding management and dealing with people, and for all that I'm also grateful.

Now, I'm going to go away and spend an entire weekend not thinking about work. I'm going to take my dog on a long walk, I'm going to hang with my friends as Lelak is having a birthday dinner that I'm really looking forward to. Sunday, I've been invited to a picnic by the beach... but I don't know, maybe I'll go to the movies instead for the first time in months. So many choices! And next week I'm having drinks with an old friend - really looking forward to that - flying to a business meeting midweek, then coming back to see my brother Robert who is visiting for the first time in years.

All I know is, I need to get my life back, or else the stress of work will overwhelm me.

I've been reading a lot lately that employers actually value it when their employees have a good life/work balance. It helps keep employees focussed if they can relax outside of work. How can I expect my team to stay unstressed if I show them a bad example? I care a lot for both my guys, and am looking forward to hiring a fourth team member (I'm secretly hoping it'll be a woman. Any female business analysts in Sydney looking for a job??? :))

There's going to be a lot of pressure, but there are some benefits too. I'll be running the show for the first time in my career. It's what I've always wanted. Time to step up.

I just finished the worst piece of crap I've ever pumped out in my life. I will never return to it, I will never allow it to be read, and I hope I'll never think about it again... but it was written.




Time to sleep now.

This time by default. Due to the resignation of my co-Product Manager, I become Senior Product Manager pretty much by default, in deed if not in title.

I was already having difficulty with my work-life balance. I'm a bit worried what this will do to me.

*already stressed*

See, what happens when I get addicted to a TV show is that I write fanfic. Regardless of how good the show is, there are always stories I wish they told using these characters I love, so I feel honourbound to write the bits that are missing. So there's a very good chance that while I'm at my conference this weekend tapping away at my computer looking like I'm taking notes, I may actually be writing a rollicking sex scene involving Kim and Saint from "Sugar Rush", or a new plot for "Studio 60 and the Sunset Strip".

It's also, if you're a writer struggling with the blues, a good way to get your groove back. Words on paper, kids. That's what it is all about. Putting words on paper.